Sunday, January 16, 2005

Sandwiching it all in

This will not be my most inspirational blog. You're warned.
Not so smiling this week, not so whimsical, not so firm in my resolution to make sense out of disaster. Not much positive to say. Caught between that door and that clock. Anxiety creates immobility. I'm stuck.
If you've been there, you will know.
Just waiting, waiting, waiting for something to budge. For the next thing. In this moment there is little I can do to move things forward. Just be.
The family waits impatiently for its January addition, a dear little baby of one sex or the other. There is room in my heart for this new little child. But I am terrified, fearful that I won't have the energy and time to do my bits.
Don't tell me that grandparents don't have any responsibility. They do. My inlaws raised three grandchildren, providing emotional support, babysitting, weekend respite, spiritual guidance, endless shopping outings, vacations and hands on nurturing, after the tragic death of the children's mother. They did this for seven years. And supported all of the rest of us in whatever way they could, financially, spiritually and emotionally.
I don't anticipate another tragedy. I do anticipate work.
And then there's my mother. Medications out of wack again. Self-care dropping. Embarrassing loss of control in public spaces. Needing more than I can give. I feel guilty. Expectations of self and other I can't meet.
This member of the sandwich generation feels a little squashed. I wish I could find something really profound to say about it, some enlightened little word to make it feel better. I feel I am hopelessly narcissistic. Can't help it. Just need to let time pass. To remember to breathe in this tight spot, and to believe there is meaning in it all somewhere.


neritia said...

Oh good t read your words! This post in's filled with raw truth and honesty! I love it.
I too wish I had a word for this place...a word to give you that will make it all better. In the end we need to sit it out...wait...and hope! That's all we can do!

The immobility that comes with anxiety and in my case with fear too, is something I wish didn't exist, but that immobility is very real in my life when things become out of control and I just want to hold you and your anxiety in the Light today!
Love and blessings!

Connie said...

Thank you Neritia.
Here is a prayer I found, comfortingly on the Northumbria site this morning:
"Lord, teach me to listen to my heart; teach me to welcome change, instead of fearing it."
The words of friends and the prayers of strangers, will I think, be enough.
Just being, in the early morning,

Michael said...

I've been in that tight spot.
Held in the clutches of time and energy.
Unable to move, barely able to breathe.
I've squirmed, kicked and screamed to no avail.
Finally after I've calmed and waited, found my breath and said "uncle" I felt the grip loosen and I was finally released.

There is no disgrace in being helpless. We always need each other.

Take Care

Deb said...

Oh Connie ~ so many things on your plate right now. Don't ever feel bad for sharing your "tight spots" with us. Now I know how to pray for you today. I'm doing it right now. Breathe...

Anonymous said...

Connie - what feeds you? What gives you life? Is it possible to take a few days and give yourself renewing? If not, or if so, please know that I am there with all the others, holding you in the Light, and living in the tension of blessings and responsibilities and choices. And, IMHO (in my humble opinion), you are not the least bit hopelessy narcissistic. In this real place of stuck, what do you long for?

magoo77 said...

To read all of the supportive, encouraging and loving words above... that alone must give some relief to know that people are praying for peace in some shape or form. Just now! I have heard great news that the newest addition to our family has finally arrived on the outside. A little boy! Second grandson! WOW! I hope this gives you reason to celebrate and to feel peace. Onward we go....Luv, S