Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Kitchen Renovations Z to A

Okay, so everybody knows there is a right way and a wrong way to do everything. Let me tell you, with these kitchen renovations you can work magic in any direction. Start with Z and work through to A, or do it the other way round, more conventionally. Either way, the results are sure to command another reno in a year or two.

Z. Assemble fabrics you really like in large amounts when they are on sale and keep them for as long as possible before beginning the project.

Y. Pull down the overhead cupboards, leaving a shortage of storage space. Buy a couple of overpriced painted black pine bookcases to make into a faux armoire.

X. Smash the microwave moving it from A to B. Rob a bank. Buy a new one.

W. Take off a little wallpaper. Fade fast.

V. Prime a few cupboards. Decide to use STP and sand the cupboards first the next time.

U. While taking off the doors of cabinets would be a good idea, do them in place. Dab paint on the hinges and hope no one notices.

T. Hack off a little more wallpaper.

S. Cover some crumbling wall in beadboard.

R. Reline a few drawers and refill them. Throw out one or two things.

Q. Use the odd tea towel for a paint rag. Notice the pile of tea towels is growing precariously small.

P. Clean out the fridge if it smells.

O. Scrape off a few more shards of wallpaper. Bits of wall may come off with the paper. Daub on some crack filler.

N. Take the window screens into the shower with you for a really good clean. This is an amazing time saver.

M. Paint a bit of window trim. Hope no one sees the excess paint on hardware bits.

L. Clean freezer if something still smells.

K. Do a second coat on something.

J. Get a special tool for scoring old wallpaper. Soak walls and floors with warm water and wallpaper stripper. Scrape off the grease which has loosened up under the stove.

I. Clean sides of stove while they are exposed.

H. Put a few new handles on a couple of unfinished doors to see how they look.

G. Line a shelf or two.

F. Scrape off a bit more wallpaper.

E. Disconnect ambient lighting. Show off. Buy new fixtures. Check them out it the space. Take them back. Get more. Take them back. Do this for as long as it takes to get the fixtures right. Beauty is in the details.

D. Order counter top on the pay next year plan. Pretend you know what you are doing when the guy comes to measure the space.

C. Scrape off a bit more wallpaper.

B. Ignore family, friends and blogging for weeks on end.

A. Get a cold.

A. Do not let this stop you from continuing with the project. Advil Cold and Flu medicine should keep you just well enough to scrape off more wallpaper.

B. Don't forget to get the paint off your hands before going to church, but look as dirty as possible when on an outing to Home Depot or Northern Buildall. It's expected.

C. Buy new baseboards and hope someone else will put them in.

D. Get a more handy partner.

E. Scrape. Scrape. Scrape. And Pray.

You could start these directions in the middle and work out to either end and the results would still be stunning.


daisymarie said...

isn't this how all home projects go? remodeling was nelson's livelihood, so like the cobbler's children: our house was always in disaster mood and unfinished. right now i have half the wallpaper removed in the living room and holes showing the lathe...we call it the Tuscon look. hope you get to feeling better!

bobbie said...

oh how i've missed your humor! i needed this good laugh this a.m.!

when it's done can 'z' be post pictures on the blog?? can't wait to see them!

Jo-Ann said...

Very funny stuff, Connie! I enjoyed it. Thanks

Past and future guy said...

Remember: The difficult takes a few hours, ready to hand solutions and packaged kits, and is past; the impossible is completed only after many shrieks, epithets hurled at your loving but handyman-challenged husband, and improvisations of wonderful ingenuity, the daub of paint on the underarm and the glow of satisfaction stays until the next project.

Barbara said...

You do too much! Perhaps you should publish this and give others perspective on how to do a reno. Having just (almost) finished a major reno myself, I can relate. One job leads to another and to another and so on. Keep up the great work!

wilsonian said...

I agree with bobbie... pictures!!

Hang in there. It will be worth it!! :)

Deb said...

Very funny. And please.