Sunday, April 29, 2007

Behold Thou Art There

Okay, so those of you raised on the KJV will be able to fill in the rest of this quotation. There is nothing like that old book for resonating phrases and metaphors which stand the test of time.

Psalm 139:8 (King James Version)
8 If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.

I've been making my bed in hell quite a bit over the last month. Barb had the lovely new baby. I got post partum depression. It was like the big push was over; he was here; he was healthy and lovely...and now what? I had trouble getting out of bed. The adrenalin rush was over. I suspected my anti-depressant meds were not working and felt, well, hellish.

It always helps to talk these things through and I did; with God and Rob and my sister-in-law Heather and just as the clouds lifted and I felt energy returning and started to get into spring cleaning, I had a major accident with a sliding glass door, cuttung several tendons and a nerve in my right hand. Last Sunday I had plastic surgery to repair the damage and this week I started physio...painful but absolutely necessary to get back the use of my hand. The physiotherapist requires me to do ten repetitions every half hour of an exercise which is the therapeutic equivalent to giving the world the middle finger.

In the meantime, Rob got a call from a specialist who is looking into some of his health problems. He is back on antibiotics for the fourth time in five months.

And then, he was notified that the Salvation Army was changing the way it delivers Pastoral Care and that his contracts would not be renewed.

I did my usual rant...much, much shorter in duration these days...I just have bits of negative garbage which have to come shooting out of my mouth for a few minutes. I don't believe any of it, but somehow I have this sort of magical thinking that if I say the worst things which come into my mind this will pre-empt anything worse happening...or if more bad things happen, they can't possibly be as bad as the scenarios I have already concocted. This means I cannot get any more depressed or disappointed.

A few supportive prayers later, I didn't feel as bad. And by this evening, I was feeling triumphant. Barb had whizzed around the house cleaning for company which was coming to Dawsonwood for an overnight. Dylan had assessed and started into basement repairs necessitated by my breaking the slider and had hacked away at a little dry rot problem in the basement. Theren help was so welcome.

I found that I can type in some manner using my right thumb and left hand.

Rob will apply for his CPP. We won't starve. And to tell you the truth...Rob is as happy as he ever is...he says..."More time to play with my grandchildren." And maybe God has something better in store for him which will not require travelling 2,000 kms. per week!!!

Psalm 139:7-10 (King James Version)

7 Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
8 If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;

10 Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.


bobbie said...

oh my goodness connie - what a season. i am so sorry i didn't know so that i could be praying for you more than "help that little sweet baby to grow and grow!"

big changes at dawsonwood. please tell rob we'll be praying. hope your hand heals and you enjoy playing with those grandbabies!!

miss you!

annie said...

I am so sorry to hear this, Connie. What a load of things to bear, all at one time. I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.

wilsonian said...

Praying that all would find healing,
and that joy would be a familiar companion as the season shifts...

anj said...

Whither indeed? I am sorry your bed has been in hell. Happy indeed that part of your therapy is giving the world the middle finger; happier that with the care and comfort of your community you are feeling triumphant. Early Friends called it living in the cross; there is pain in the world, nevertheless God is good. Praying you will feel that right hand. Holding you.

Deb said...

Oh Connie...I'm so sorry. That's a lot to deal with. Please know that I'm praying for you!

daisymarie said...

Thank you for your candor. It blessed me to walk with you through this struggle, to see your seeking and finding of, if not answers, at least peace.

He is there. Good to remember.

anj said...

hey you - how goes it?