Thursday, February 23, 2006

I had another accident

In her post of January 18, 2006 Deb reflected on alcohol and the fact that for some it is an enemy which is "cunning, baffling and powerful." I started a post about depression and how, for me, it is "cunning, baffling and powerful". (There is a strong connection to alcoholism, of course, since many alcoholics are primarily depressed and use alcohol mistakenly to silence the dragon within.) Mood disorder. Sneak thief of blessing. I never finished the post.

I haven't written much about depression here. Not because I am ashamed that I suffer from this particular blight, but because I use my blog to help me focus positive spiritual energy. I summon my effort of will, to reflect and pray, to ask for prayer, to tell stories. But lately, despite the birth of wonderful baby Megan, despite manifest answers to prayer for baby Robbie, despite my daughter Barbara's finally finishing her course and landing a job, I have felt the pull of the old enemy. The familiar vortex of despair.

Now my Aunt Jean, who reads this from time to time, doesn't like me to be negative. She is my surrogate introjected superego (a new category of psychobabble), now that my mother has passed quietly beyond her noted ability to quote scripture to me. "The rain falls on the just and the unjust." "Rejoice and be exceeding glad for great is your reward in heaven." Aunt Jean doesn't quote scripture and she once, in a fit of hyperbole, told me that I wrote like Henri Nouwen. That should be enough to kick depression square in the butt and set me up for years of productivity. You can see why I might like to keep on the good side of Aunt Jean.

But I have to confess to an emotional slump which was not made better by the fact that this week I HAD ANOTHER CAR ACCIDENT. Once more bad weather played a huge part in it. As a matter of fact...I have had at least four car accidents in bad weather. Extreme weather. Half way to the north pole weather. Heavy snow. Icy conditions. Freezing rain. Snow covered roads. My mother would say I should rejoice and be exceeding glad that no one was hurt seriously in any of these collisions. However, one accident sent me to hospital with severe depression. And I am wondering if depression plays a role in the accidents before hand. I am wondering if I should give up my license. I may not be able to afford my insurance premiums. And, I am clearly unsafe when I am distracted and the weather is bad. Blowing snow is hypnotic to me. Am I driving in a trance or what???

To tell the truth I am hopping mad at myself. And angry at the slings and arrows of outrageous forture. Over which none of us has any control at all. And the kicker is. I have to talk to a group of women this weekend. I don't know if I can keep Eeyore out of my voice. I don't know if I can stand and deliver.

So this is to ask for prayer. To overcome this bleakness of soul. To find peace. To discern a direction for the future with respect to driving. (Lessons? Only drive in fine weather? Never drive when distracted? Walk everywhere?)


bobbie said...

oh dear friend, nouwen struggled horribly with depression too! that is where the rich depth of his writing comes from. he could write it because he'd been there.

and you can write it woman - i'd rather have eeyore than nothing, personally! and i think if you minister out of that place it will touch those god brings for you this weekend.

i know i could about punch those chipper, perky women who are usually at the front of a retreat - all saccrine and sugar, give me diabetes! if someone had stood in front of me and told me of their own struggle it would have validated my own.

i will pray, light a candle for you today and ask that god allows you to be in the place those women (and you) need.

i'm sorry about the accident, and please, don't walk everywhere - it's a long way to new brunswick! :)

wanna chat??

Georgia Budd said...

Oh connie, I am a northern girl (Timmins) and Bracebridge winters are horrid! Noone in their right mind should be driving in that snow and freezing rain. So, my advice - do not EVER give up your license.... if you feel like you can't handle it that day, weigh it fear? or just too weary. Don't drive if you are super tired and can't handle it. But if its fear...ugh...get back on the horse.....I love driving when I am down....kinda a freedom thing I suppose.

As for your speaking......Connie, you have a story that needs to be told. So many women suffer from this especially in Feb. and Mar. I think it is so timely. Depression is so misunderstood in the church especially. Just read the room, listen to the promptings of what Holy Spirit is saying to you for those women. Being transparent about your struggle even to speak to them shows so much. Listen for HIS promptings...just like in Bulgaria...we had a plan...and then...He changed it. Wake up oh are HIs messenger and have it all within. Rise up oh daughter of Eve and take the step of faith that He will give you the words specifically for those people for such a time as this. This generation wants to hear the deep longings of the heart, the hard truth, someone who does not have the answers but goes to the ONE who does answer and hold the truth. I know He wants to use you Connie, even in your brokeness, even when all the pieces of your puzzle are scattered, its in those times HE uses us to HIS glory to minister to the broken, set the captives free, break open the heavenlies Lord....let it rain

wilsonian said...

Oh Lord... please hold tight our sister Connie. Father, would you please give her a supernatural ability to be gentle with herself, to cherish and honour all the parts of herself which lead her to You. Father, would You open her eyes to see herself as a beautiful, intelligent, wise, loving, generous woman. Please reveal the richness she brings to all she touches.


daisymarie said...

Perhaps they need to hear Eeyore.
In Psalm 13 David is in the pits of dispair...and depression, I think. Yet somehow he moves through the darkness to still find hope.
Perhaps there will be those there stuck in the fog desperately hoping for hope.
I love the story of the feeding of the 5000 (plus women and children). At the end of the meal 12 baskets of "leftovers" are gathered and since they're mentioned, I believe, they were important to note: nothing was wasted.
Nothing is wasted in our lives either...even depression.

May you find strength and hope even in the darkness.

Barbara said...

My prayer for you is that you may see how everyone who knows you SEES YOU. When I simply see you I am looking at humanity at its greatest! Love, deep and un-ending, a woman who makes a difference in the lives of everyone she meets, a positive role model, someone who sees the very best in everyone she knows and leaves none of that life-changing sight for herself.
I pray for you to see who you really are not what this disease says you are.
Love, Barbara

Deb said...

Connie, I'm sorry to hear of the accident. But, I'm thankful to hear about your struggle with depression. I hope that doesn't sound unkind. I too struggle significantly with depressino. There's always comfort in knowing that we're not alone. I'm praying for you. Barbara is right - you do make a difference in the lives of everyone you meet. I'm speaking from experience!

Jennifer said...

Praying for you to know peace this day.

Mark D said...


I will pray for you. I do not write something like that unless I mean it. God will lift you up and set you on high places. The joy of the Lord is your strength.